Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
