This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
