Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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