Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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