so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
