yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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