I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
