Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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