Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
