hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
