Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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