I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
