I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize