Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have tasted many bathrooms
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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