I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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