im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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