it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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