woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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