Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
