Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
are you so shy because you have an std?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
