When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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