I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize