I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
