Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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