i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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