i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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