I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
