Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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