I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
