just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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