im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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