apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
