I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
