I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
