No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
