I met the friendliest cop last night
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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