sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
