Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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