Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
