You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
