I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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