there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
