You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
