i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
