At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
