I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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