I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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