what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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