Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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