I'm going to rape someone's good day.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
