I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
