He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
