he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
