please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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