If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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